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GodAndUlsterdonatedPosted at 2018-09-24 19:17:47(1 day ago)     0
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Posts: 4381
Location: United Kingdom


My new girlfriend's car got a flat tyre as we were on our way to see my parents, so I called them up and said, "Sorry Mum, I'm going to be late, my girlfriend's got a puncture"...

"Oh Barry!" she sighed. "I thought you had a real one this time"...:giggle

 
 
GodAndUlsterdonatedPosted at 2018-09-24 19:58:40(1 day ago)     0
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Posts: 4381
Location: United Kingdom


FIFTY SHADES OF CHAV...

As he approached with those pasty white arms hanging out of his Gola vest, his smile told me it was benefit day and I knew my velour tracksuit would be hanging off the lamp shade tonight...
It was Dwayne's birthday. I was preparing his special tea of Findus Crispy Pancakes and Pot Noodle.
I would let him take me any way he wanted tonight. His favourite position was what he called The Dogs of War. Where he took me from behind and played Call of Duty at the same time... Our 6 week anniversary was approaching. This would be my longest relationship without becoming pregnant. I thought of this as he lay on top of me making love. His skinny arms straddled my head like breadsticks either side of an orange. As I rubbed his whiter than white back I imagined every mole I felt was spelling out Braille for I love you... As I stood in line at the Job Centre thinking of reasons I couldn't work, a sweet smell drifted past my pig like nostrils. It was a mixture of weed, B.O and Lynx Africa. I turned around and there was Dwayne. Our eyes met and he was soon lifting me onto the wheelie bins behind the Iceland. He had tied up his Staffy to block the ally way so we wouldn't be disturbed. There was a tramp watching but it just added to the mystery. I knew it was love and my life would never be the same....
My mum had told me to leave Dwayne many times due to the violence but I knew he loved me as he always took his rings off before he hit me. Tonight though he was in a foul mood, I had fucked up his tea up after failing to de-frost his prawn ring I had nicked from farm foods. He picked up the power lead from my kids mega drive and whipped it across my doughy head It stung but I liked it. I shouted again again so he carried on. I thought my shell suit would rip into a million pieces. As I looked over my shoulder I saw his Weetabix toothed smile. He even had a semi on which was rare as the crack :giggle

 
 
GodAndUlsterdonatedPosted at 2018-09-25 21:40:39(10 hrs ago)     0
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Posts: 4381
Location: United Kingdom


Old couple in heaven
The couple were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies. Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife’s insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.
One day, their good health didn’t help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven. They reached the pearly gates, and St Peter escorted them inside.
He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said, "Welcome to Heaven this will be your home now"...

The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "Why, nothing"... Peter replied, "remember, this is your reward in Heaven"...
The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth..
"What are the greens fees"...? Grumbled the old man. "This is heaven"... St Peter replied. "You can play for free, every day"
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages. "Don’t even ask" said St. Peter to the man.
This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy"... The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.
"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea"...? he asked. "That’s the best part"... St. Peter replied. "You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven"... The old man pushed, "No gym to work out at"...?
"Not unless you want to" was the answer. "No testing my sugar or blood pressure or"...
"Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself"...

The old man glared at his wife and said, "You and your fucking bran Flakes. We could have been here ten years ago"...:giggle

 
 
GodAndUlsterdonatedPosted at 2018-09-26 02:14:43(5 hrs ago)     0
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Posts: 4381
Location: United Kingdom


I've been having a problem with nuisance phone calls...

The most common one seems to be, "You said you'd be home from the pub three hours ago"...:giggle

 
 
GodAndUlsterdonatedPosted at 2018-09-26 02:17:50(5 hrs ago)     0
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Posts: 4381
Location: United Kingdom


There was a young man from Peru
Who fell asleep in a canoe.
He dreamt that Venus
Was stroking' his penis
And woke with a handful of goo.:giggle

 
 
GodAndUlsterdonatedPosted at 2018-09-26 02:20:57(5 hrs ago)     0
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Posts: 4381
Location: United Kingdom



 
 

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