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GodAndUlsterdonatedPosted at 2018-11-11 23:46:45(4 days ago)     0
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Posts: 5407
Location: United Kingdom


1 * Accept the fact that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue!
2 * Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
3 * Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
4 * Drive carefully... It's not only cars that can be recalled by their Maker.
5 * If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
6 * If you lend someone 20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
7 * It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
8 * Never buy a car you can't push.
9 * Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on.
10 * Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
11 * Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.
12 * The second mouse gets the cheese.
13 * When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
14 * Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.
16 * Some mistakes are too much fun to make only once.
17 * We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same box.
18 * A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
19 * Have an awesome day and know that someone has thought about you today.
AND MOST IMPORTANTLY
20 *Save the earth..... It's the only planet with chocolate!*:giggle

 
 
GodAndUlsterdonatedPosted at 2018-11-13 00:09:31(3 days ago)     0
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Posts: 5407
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GodAndUlsterdonatedPosted at 2018-11-13 00:36:19(3 days ago)     0
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Posts: 5407
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A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs him that his son was born without a torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion...
After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully tells the son he is proud of him..
Dad orders the biggest, strongest drink for the boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swooop! A torso pops out!
The bar is dead silent, then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father shocked, begs the son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink"... The bartender still shakes his head in dismay. Swooop! Two arms pop out.
The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink"...
The bartender ignores the whole affair. By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it.. Swooop! Two legs pop out...
The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks god...
The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left.. then to the right.. right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly...
The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says, "That boy should have quit while he was a head"...:giggle

Last edited by GodAndUlsterdonated on 2018-11-13 00:37:19

 
 
GodAndUlsterdonatedPosted at 2018-11-13 00:38:15(3 days ago)     0
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Posts: 5407
Location: United Kingdom


A woman was very despondent over not having sex in quite some time. She was becoming agitated and worried that she might never find a mate. In hopes of finding a solution to her problem, she decided that it was time to see a doctor. Looking through the phone book, she came upon a Chinese doctor (sex therapist) named Dr. Chang.
When the woman arrived, she told the doctor her symptoms, and he said, "Take off all your crothes and you crawl real fass away from me across da froor"...
She crawled to the other side of the room and Dr. Chang said, "Now.you crawl real fass back to me," and she did.
Dr. Chang shook his head and said, "you haf real bad case of Zachary Disease, worse case I ever see! That why you haf sex probrem"...
The woman was completely confused and asked the doctor exactly what Zachary Disease was and he replied, "Zachary Disease, that when your face look ZACHARY like your arse"...:giggle

 
 
GodAndUlsterdonatedPosted at 2018-11-13 22:40:47(2 days ago)     0
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Posts: 5407
Location: United Kingdom


An elderly gentleman shuffles into a newspaper office and asks if he can place a piece in the obituaries section.
"No problem sir"... Says the girl behind the desk...
"That’ll be a pound per word"... Nodding slowly, the old man writes, "Doris Is Dead" on a piece of paper...
"Is that all you want to put"...? Asks the girl...
"I only have three pounds, my dear"... Says the pensioner, starting to leave...
The girl, feeling sorry for the old man, says she will go up and speak to the editor...
Moments later, she returns from the office, grinning broadly...
"Good news"... She says. "The editor says you can have another three pounds-worth of words"...
Smiling gratefully, the old man takes another piece of paper and thinks for a moment...
Shakily, he writes, "Doris Is Dead. Metro For Sale"...:giggle

 
 
GodAndUlsterdonatedPosted at 2018-11-13 22:41:25(2 days ago)     0
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Posts: 5407
Location: United Kingdom


After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed...
The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day... Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job...
The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms"...
"No matter," said the man. "Observe!"
And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo...
But suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below...
The stunned bishop rushed to his side... When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered round the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before...
As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man"...?
"I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a bell"...
WAIT! WAIT! There's more . . .
The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame...
The first man to approach him said, "Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday...
I pray that you honour his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty"...
The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died on the spot...
Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side...
"What has happened...? Who is this man"...? The first monk asked breathlessly.
"I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, "but he's a dead ringer for his brother":giggle

 
 
GodAndUlsterdonatedPosted at 2018-11-13 22:42:07(2 days ago)     0
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Posts: 5407
Location: United Kingdom


This bloke goes into see his doctor and says, "every time I see a lorry, I get an erection. "The doctor laughs and says, "impossible"... So the bloke stands up and walks over to the window and, after a lorry passes by, he pulls his trousers down to reveal a huge hardon. The doctor says, "this defies medical science, but give me a sample of blood then come back in three weeks and I"ll have a result"... Three weeks pass by and the bloke returns to the doctors...
On entering his office, the doctor says, "Sit down, I have some bad news for you"... The bloke slumps into a chair and says, "What is it doc"...? The doctor explains, "you're HGV positive"...:giggle

 
 
GodAndUlsterdonatedPosted at 2018-11-13 22:43:05(2 days ago)     0
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Posts: 5407
Location: United Kingdom


Two guys were playing golf when the first one said, "I really need to take a crap"...
The second replied, "Well there's a tree, go behind it and do your stuff"...
The first guy looks over at the tree and comments, "But I don't have any toilet paper"...
Being a witty fellow, the second man remarks, "You have five pounds on you, don't you...? Just use it to wipe yourself"... Reluctantly, the first guy goes and does his stuff..
Minutes later he comes back with crap all over him. The second asks, "Damn, what happened...? Didn't you use the five pounds"...? "Hell yes, but have you ever tried to wipe your arse with four pound coins and two 50pences"...?:giggle

 
 
GodAndUlsterdonatedPosted at 2018-11-13 22:44:46(2 days ago)     0
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Location: United Kingdom




Last edited by GodAndUlsterdonated on 2018-11-13 23:25:37

 
 
GodAndUlsterdonatedPosted at 2018-11-13 23:35:07(2 days ago)     0
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Posts: 5407
Location: United Kingdom


"Do you remember that row twenty years ago when we sat down and wrote down each others faults?" I said to my wife.
"Oh God yes, I still have mine somewhere, " she said with a giggle.
"I've just finished, " I replied!!..:giggle

 
 
Drax2099Posted at 2018-11-14 00:38:56(2 days ago)     0


Posts: 37
Location: Canada


One morning the King was bored, so he asked one of his servants to bring him three men.

The servant found three strangers outside of the castle and brought them to the King.

The King said to the three men, "I have a deal you can't refuse. Whoever can swim successfully across my moat filled with alligators, eels and leaches can wish for anything within my kingdom."

All of a sudden the King heard a splash. One of the men was swimming as fast as he could, dodging all the alligators, eels, and leaches.

The King was so impressed that someone had enough guts to accept his challenge. He congratulated the man and said, "Anything within my kingdom is yours. What is it that you want?

The man replies, "I want the guy who pushed me in!"

 
 
Drax2099Posted at 2018-11-14 00:39:32(2 days ago)     0


Posts: 37
Location: Canada


A lonely frog telephoned the psychic hotline and asked what his future held.

His personal psychic advisor told him, "You are going to meet a young, beautiful girl, who will want to know everything about you, inside and out."

The frog was thrilled.

"This is great!" he croaked. "Will I meet her at a party?"

"No, not at a party," the psychic replied.

"Then where?" asked the frog.

"In a biology class," the psychic said.

 
 
GodAndUlsterdonatedPosted at 2018-11-14 00:54:28(2 days ago)     0
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Posts: 5407
Location: United Kingdom


Drax2099 wrote:

A lonely frog telephoned the psychic hotline and asked what his future held.

His personal psychic advisor told him, "You are going to meet a young, beautiful girl, who will want to know everything about you, inside and out."

The frog was thrilled.

"This is great!" he croaked. "Will I meet her at a party?"

"No, not at a party," the psychic replied.

"Then where?" asked the frog.

"In a biology class," the psychic said.

:giggle:giggle:giggle:giggle

 
 
GodAndUlsterdonatedPosted at 2018-11-14 23:19:11(1 day ago)     0
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Posts: 5407
Location: United Kingdom


Now The Alphabet:
A's for arthritis; B's the bad back, C's the chest pains, perhaps car-di-ac...?
D is for dental decay and decline, E is for eyesight, can't read that top line! F is for farting and fluid retention, G is for gut droop, which I'd rather not mention...
H high blood pressure I'd rather it low; I for incisions with scars you can show. J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend, K is for knees that crack when they bend. L is for libido, what happened to sex...? M is for memory, I forget what comes next.. N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low; O is for osteo, bones that don't grow!
P for prescriptions, I have quite a few, just give me a pill and I'll be good as new! Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu...? R is for reflux, one meal turns to two.
S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears, T is for Tinnitus; bells in my ears! U is for urinary; troubles with flow; V for vertigo, that's 'dizzy,' you know...
W for worry, now what's going 'round...? X is for X ray, and what might be found. Y for another year I'm left here behind, Z is for zest I still have in my mind!
I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed, And I'm keeping twenty-six doctors fully employed!!.:giggle

 
 
GodAndUlsterdonatedPosted at 2018-11-14 23:20:52(1 day ago)     0
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Posts: 5407
Location: United Kingdom


I started my new job today...
My boss handed me a fiver and said, "First things first, I need you to go down to the shops and buy me a glass hammer, a skirting board ladder and a bubble for a spirit level"...
I laughed and said, "Do you really think I'm that fucking stupid"...?
He sniggered, "What do you mean"...?
I said, "That lot is going to cost more than a fucking fiver"...

 
 
GodAndUlsterdonatedPosted at 2018-11-15 23:48:35(10 hrs ago)     0
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Posts: 5407
Location: United Kingdom


I was sat in a restaurant when a masked gunman stormed in and started firing...

So I did what most normal people would do in the circumstances. I got my phone out, checked in on Facebook and posted a picture of my food...:giggle

 
 
GodAndUlsterdonatedPosted at 2018-11-15 23:49:13(10 hrs ago)     0
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Posts: 5407
Location: United Kingdom


A German midget jumped into the river yesterday to save my dog who was drowning...

After he climbed out and gave me the dog and said, "Here is ze dog, keep him warm,dry him off and he vil be fine"...

I said to him, "Are you a little vet"...?

He replied, "A little vet I'm fucking soaked"...:giggle

 
 
GodAndUlsterdonatedPosted at 2018-11-15 23:49:51(10 hrs ago)     0
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Posts: 5407
Location: United Kingdom


I saw a homeless man sleeping inside a big cardboard box outside the train station this morning...
Not wanting to disturb him, I crept over and put a Starbucks coffee cup on top of his box...
He immediately woke up and said, "Thank you"...
"No problem"... I smiled.
He looked at me again and said, "It's empty"...
I said, "I know, it's meant to be a chimney"...:giggle

 
 
GodAndUlsterdonatedPosted at 2018-11-15 23:51:24(10 hrs ago)     0
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Location: United Kingdom



 
 
GodAndUlsterdonatedPosted at 2018-11-15 23:52:08(10 hrs ago)     0
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Posts: 5407
Location: United Kingdom



 
 

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